SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I (32F) cheated on my husband (38m) 14 months ago. It was a drunken one night stand with a girl I've never met before and havent seen since.

The guilt and shame was eating me alive so I told him a few days later.

Since then, I have given up drinking, given him full access with my phone, laptop, and emails. I have done everything he has asked me to do including quit my job, got rid of all my smutty books, got rid of all my ugly underwear and sleeping clothes that he didnt like and he now has say over what I wear day and night. I have also recommitted myself to keeping the house as clean as he likes it.

I thought we were on the right path to forgiveness and reconciliation until a few days ago

We had a huge fight because I am not losing weight fast enough.

For context, his number 1 emotional need is Physical Atttactiveness. My weight has always been a point of contention in our relationship. Our biggest fight happened a few months before the A. The fight started because he saw fast food wrappers in the car and he told me he thought women should weigh less than their husband.

Since the DD, I committed myself to reconciliation and lost 30 pounds. I am now stronger and leaner than I have ever been but he says I need to lose 20 more pounds. I told him I wanted to focus on getting stronger not leaner but he wouldn't have it. He then said he felt like I hadn't done anything towards reconciliation and that I wasnt committed enough.

I started having a panic attack, feeling like I could never do enough to make up for my mistake and our love would always depend on my weight no matter what I did. And that I would never have the right to advocate for my needs in the relationship because I am the one who messed up.

Am I the one in the wrong?

Male Betrayed Spouses, is it normal to need your wife to lose weight for her to recieve forgiveness in path of reconciliation?

Help me understand it, please.

At this time, I am sleeping on the couch because I am struggling to understand and accept this. But if you tell me this is normal, I will change my workout routine and recommit myself to this.

Thank you for your time. Long time reader. First time poster.

I am a wayward wife, I have been working towards recovery and reconciliation for nearly 1 year.

I don’t think weight loss is part of the reconciliation process usually.

I get it if the wayward used to get all dolled up for the affair partner and never for the spouse, and therefore the spouse demanded more effort in the aftermath.

But from what you say, it doesn’t seem relevant at all.

Has he asked you for other things in order to reconcile? E.g. around the introspective side of things (e.g. why it happened, how can you become a safe partner again, etc..) or has he been focusing mainly on having a say on your appearance and weight?

Further, I don’t know if you have seen the "wayward side" forum on here. Feel free to post there if you would like support or just venting on other things

[This message edited by LonelyGuilty at 8:22 PM, Wednesday, August 19th]

I think your husband has gone from setting appropriate boundaries and has stepped into being controlling.

I was cheated on and set my conditions and boundaries, but I do not tell my wife what to wear or demand that she lose more weight. I didn't demand that she lose any weight at all. She did lose quite a bit, but that started before her affair and she continued to after d day. She wants to lose some more, but I told her I think she looks amazing.

I think losing 30 lbs is quite an accomplishment and you deserve credit for it. Not a berating to lose even more. I think there's something deeper going on here than just betrayal trauma. Was he controlling before your affair?

I’m sorry but your H is way out of line and I think you need to recognize certain things in life.

So while cheating is traumatic and heartbreaking to the betrayed spouse, it doesn’t give anyone the "right" to dictate how you look, what you weigh etc.

Congrats on the weight loss! 30 lbs is something of a big achievement and something you should be proud of. If you want to get stronger (as opposed to thinner) that is your right to decide.

Your biggest fight prior to the affair over what you eat and what you weigh sounds like emotional abuse and a controlling relationship.

The only person that needs to be happy with your looks is YOU!!

You are not in the wrong here. But please recognize the challenges of being in the relationship where you have to look a certain way to make your H happy.

What is he going to do as you age - force you to have plastic surgery or get Botox injections? What happens if you get gray hair or wrinkles? These are all natural aspects of life - and I hope he will accept you for who and what you are. At any age.

It’s not about looks. Never was. I hope you know that.

I have done everything he has asked me to do including quit my job

Was this drunken one night stand on a work night out? If not, what does this have to do with your job?

It sounds to me like he's taking advantage of your guilt to tighten the screws on a controlling relationship. It is important that you not let yourself become financially dependent on him.

I rather doubt you attracted this woman with sexy sleeping garments or housework, so I don't really see the relevance of those either.

And how is "physical attractiveness" an emotional need?!

My W & I are in our early 80s. If looks were important, we'd split, except if looks were important who'd have us?

I'd be very reluctant to commit to managing how I looked as a requirement for R. What happens if your H changes what he wants you to look like?

I'm not saying R is impossible for you. I am saying that I wouldn't agree to R based on changing what my body is and/or what I want it to be.

Strong instead of lean, within limits - Sumo wrestlers are strong, but not necessarily lean - sounds pretty healthy. I'd be happy if my W said that's what she wants.