SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Pugna, reconciliation is not something you choose to initiate.

You have betrayed, that means your partner doesn’t respect you, nor even the bare minimum, why should he care about what you want?

The mere fact that you wish to reconcile is for a cheater who is in the high of betrayal for, an infinite source of validation, which is what they are after with the cheating.

His brain says him "I am so great, so worthy, that even if I do the most disgusting things to her, she is still at my feet begging me to try again"

Here it’s how reconciliation works if it can.

1.The Bs gets betrayed
2. The bs finds out
3. The WS is ridden by shame and
3A. Keeps cheating
3B. Lay low and promise not to (but can still cheat or just wait to be out of the doghouse to cheat again
4 the bs responds to the betrayal and:
4A. Screw you, it’s over go to hell - hard 180 and prepare to divorce / split
4B. Does the pick me dance (what I am afraid you are doing)

Option B. Is usually the same results over and over. Blame shifting, lies, manipulation, keeps cheating and having zero respect for you. Pick me dance never works.

Option A.
This is where the BS reclaims agency and boundaries. The BS leaves and prepare to live without the dirty cheater.

To this the cheater either moves on and go with the affair partner (to cheat or be cheated upon)

Or

Feels lost as the validation disappears, they get scared and try to make amends and recover the relationship (here is where the WS asks for reconciliation)

To this we have then 5

5.A The bs ignores the cheater, leaves to heal and have a happy life, never to bother again with the ex wayward partner

5.B if the WS really seems remorseful and ready to crawl over broken glass to recover, the BS may decide to give them a second chance, IF they prove they can change and heal, becoming a safe partner. Reserves to be able to leave the WS at any time during the reconciliation if they don’t feel the WS does enough or just simply develop vomiting allergy towards the cheater.

In practice the WS begs to reconcile if they wake up from the fog and realize what they destroyed.
Th Bs is the one deciding, if when, and on which condition the reconciliation process will take place.

Anything else is the pick me dance and that doesn’t work, will only cause you miser.

PNY,

It’s only been a couple of weeks. You’re in shock right now. You can’t eat and can’t sleep, and you’re in emotional distress. Not the best circumstances for making big decisions.

Maybe you should rent an AirBNB or something for a few weeks / month to get away from him so your system can calm down. Go NC or LC during that time. You can tell him that he can use that time to figure out how he’s going to try to rebuild with you, starting by creating a written timeline of everything because this TT is destroying any hope of R. Most people can’t R without feeling like they have the whole truth. As they say, you can’t forgive what you don’t know about.

It might be that he needs to see you buy that ticket to Germany to get him to finally break and come fully clean, I don’t know. But I don’t think that after 2 weeks R is impossible UNLESS YOU THINK THAT.

The key is that you take charge. You’re the pilot of this plane. Take some time to figure out what you want. Are any of these things - the escorts, the porn, the TT - dealbreakers? Does he have what it takes to rebuild and R? Start calling your own shots here. Go see a lawyer and ask him about the legalities of moving out for a little while. Ask him about getting on that plane to Germany. See what those actions do to your legal position.