SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

The "what else did you look at" comment is the important part.
Don’t believe you looked at everything? I mean, you admitted to what you saw. She didn’t think to herself that you know everything, she was wondering if she was going to have to admit to something more if you had found whatever other thing is.

When I read your post, I thought of the same thing. I felt like she was trying to gauge what you know and how to respond to your inquiries.

OP This is an infidelity site. Maybe there was no infidelity that occurred but the posters here will quickly crucify and label your wife a cheater. BUT there are a lot of red flags that cannot be ignored. Best case scenario for you is that boundaries have been crossed. It's up to you to re-establish it.

I also agree you should re-read everything Unhinged's post.

And I think OhItsYou's following comment is important.

The "what else did you look at" comment is the important part.
Don’t believe you looked at everything? I mean, you admitted to what you saw. She didn’t think to herself that you know everything, she was wondering if she was going to have to admit to something more if you had found whatever other thing is.

This is why I was saying you shouldn't admit to what you know, but instead ask her if she had anything to say. Would she have admitted to being in contact with Marcus and Ines? Now she gets to say it wasn't important to tell you. Also, I absolutely do not believe that Leonor regularly brings multiple changes of clothes to events. Maybe one, but come on, multiple? If you're at an event where it is likely that you are climbing on someone's shoulders, what are you doing wearing a slip dress with a deep-v neckline. Is that what she changes into? None of that makes sense to me.

It's a sad fact, but quite often the type of person who commits infidelity in the traditional sense also disregards their spouse and their marriage and does not openly reveal their interactions with others. I see all of that here. I think it's naive to say de facto that there is no infidelity here. You simply do not have definitive proof of that. Right now, anyway.

I did say that the night makes sense if your wife saw the after party as a business or business networking opportunity. But again, why didn't she share that when she came home? That doesn't fit. And I could see a follow-up business project, but I can't see it as an immediate event where she makes more than her annual salary. More conversations and exploration and a smaller, starter, or trial type project make more sense.

The paragraph that stands out most to me is from the morning following your fight. Your wife was quiet and thoughtful and said she was going but not choosing the job over the marriage and family.

Not because of Marcus, but because this was a major opportunity for her career and ultimately for our family. She reminded me that in 17 years together she had never given me a reason to think she was cheating before this. She said she had never cheated on me, believed my insecurity came from what happened that night, and said she wasn't going to throw away an opportunity because of assumptions. She also said she didn't believe going to the gala would end our marriage.

Particularly the following sentence.

She also said she didn't believe going to the gala would end our marriage.

She had the night to think it over. The following makes sense.

It was just Sofia being Sofia. Sometimes she does exactly what she wants, even when I'm not comfortable with it. Then the next day, she's much kinder and tries to soften me up.

Your wife does not believe there will be any consequences to her marriage or her family if she continues to disregard your feelings and act the way she always has and simply do what she wants. That's a harsh reality. Will there be consequences? What will you do? All these questions are why I think showing restraint and gathering information and evaluating is the wiser choice than having a vulnerable conversation or confronting right away. However, you have done it. It is very difficult, so congratulations. You also have gained valuable knowledge about her mindset.

Have you considered examining her cell phone log? I wouldn't be surprised to discover she knew this guy before randomly meeting him at the music festival

I couldn't find a single piece of evidence that she cheated on me.

Some people disagree with that, but you know your sitch better than anyone here does ... so i don't see infidelity.

*****

I think our collective wisdom on infidelity reaches the level of 'expert.'

But Derk seems to be asking for ... Derk, what help ar you seeking from SI?

As I say, we're experts on infidelity. IMO, you're looking for relationship advice. People are willing to give it, but I doubt that we're experts in that. I'm not.

But really, Derk, what help ar you seeking from SI?

@sisoon

You know you can just stay out of here and ignore this topic?
No one forces you to answer?
It's actually very sad to tell a potentially betrayed spouse to deal with his anxiety on his own and come after the infidelity took place.

@Derk

Maybe you can check your WiFi Configuration? There might be a burner phone or something.

sisoon,

I think your assessment is a bit unfair.

If a person comes on a website for people who have had skin cancer with a mole that is suspicious, people will tell them of their experience. That is true whether it was a cancer problem or not a problem.

Hey, I get it. You don't think there is anything here having to do with infidelity. Your experience with infidelity is not the same as others here. I think you will acknowledge that.

Derk is asking if other people who have experienced infidelity think there might be something going on here. Well, yes. If you're asking, I think there are things that should be looking into for infidelity, if not definite infidelity.

We are a website about that. If you come here, I will give or share my opinion.

[This message edited by KitchenDepth5551 at 10:06 PM, Monday, June 29th]

Derk, what help ar you seeking from SI?

sisoon, I think it's perfectly clear why Derk came here. His "Spidey senses" are tingling and he came here to find out what the experts think.

You and Bigger don't "see" infidelity and neither does Derk. I don't "see" infidelity, either.

Unfortunately, we all know that if he knew for certain that infidelity occurred we'd be having a very different conversation.

In this respect, I have absolutely no issue with Derk seeking our opinions on his situation and would even go so far as to say that it's within SI's "mission statement" to offer the best possible assessment.

I'll freely admit that my ability to accurately access his situation may very well be colored by my own experiences and what I've learned over the years I've been a member. I do keep that in mind.

What I will not do is dismiss this man's concerns for the simple reason that I know damned well that anyone can be betrayed. If Derk suspects something happened - and, in my humble opinion, there is plenty of circumstantial evidence to suggest something occurred - then I'm going to help him in any way I can.

I'm quite certain that Derk is hoping he's wrong about this. But if he's right...

I am glad you did not stay silent and shared your concerns. Do not hesitate to have additional conversations.

In some ways, outside of sex, there is no exact definition of infidelity. And I guess that means we all get to make our own interpretation. For me, saying she is going out with the girls but ending up on another man's shoulders, then partying all night long with more men than women, in a skimpier outfit than she left in... well, that is very close to infidelity no matter how I look at it. It is not respecting you or the marriage at the very minimum. Has she acknowledged that to you?

And that is only what you know happened. Let's say she didnt have sex, I do think that could be true. Of course 95% of spouses who did cheat say they didnt when asked about it. But let's say she didnt have sex. Do you think she danced inappropriately while high on drugs in her skimpy dress? Do you think some guy was grinding on her while dancing? Or slow dancing, his arms around her? Was she skinny dipping in the pool? Or many other behaviors that are filled with sexual tension between men and women. Do people get high and stay out all night with the opposite sex without doing any of that?

Is any of that infidelity? You can decide. None of that is acceptable to me or my wife. But that's us. Imo, your wife should regret doing what you know she did, let alone what she has not told you about yet.

[This message edited by Trdd at 5:12 AM, Tuesday, June 30th]

I second hiring a PI. There's no point in this hemming and hawing about whether she did or didn't, is or isn't cheating. Just find out for sure and put it to bed.

Derk, most of us here have come to this safe space because we're hurting and want to help each other through that pain.

We don't come here to waste our time trying to help you understand exactly what's wrong about this situation while you sit there and joke around about how it's fine.

You're being disingenuous, and if we can't get you to see what's wrong here and take actual action to protect yourself, then you don't need our help. Maybe a shrink, but not us.

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