SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

I’m 3+ years past DD. H had a 1-1/2 year A with a co-worker, many lies, and an STD to boot! It’s been a roller coaster and I won’t go through all the details, though I do have a story in the R forum. Aside from a few lies that he told me since DD thinking he was protecting me from more pain, he is very remorseful and would do anything to keep our marriage together. I’m still struggling. I almost feel like it has finally sunk in as to what he did. I am not sure I love him like I used to, it’s hard to initiate touch and cuddles, etc. I’m pretty much just think, WTF did you do to me!

Anyway, just curious how this journey went for you. Thank you for your thoughts.

It took me forever to come to conclusion of a D and this was with a WS who was not remorseful and continued to put me through False R. I hit my breaking point after the False R and then it took me 5 more years to get the strength and courage to leave. My biggest fear was breaking up the family but in the end it had to come to that in order for me to live a healthy life for myself.

Though my xWS was not remorseful I believe I would not have been able to get over the A even if he had been. I don't think I'm a good candidate for R and that is ok. For some of us infidelity is always a dealbreaker. This is what I realized about myself.

I'm not really an advocate for R because no matter what the cheating happened and it will always cause some level of pain that I think no one deserves to live with for the rest of their life. I know there are some on here who state they have truly R'd and got their M back. I do however feel that is very rare. Many others live with it like a dark cloud from the past that can rear it's ugly head at anytime. Never forgotten. Always there with them on some level and I think it's because they are exposed and around the perpetrator (the cheater).

Since leaving and D the A has no hold on me I rarely think about it except when I'm on here and it doesn't affect me one bit. Not like when I was still with xWS.

Life post infidelity is soul searching and healing, can you live with it for the rest of your life or will you bury it and move on peacefully with grace. I think moving on from it can happen in R too but it takes a special WS and BS to be able to do it.

[This message edited by crazyblindsided at 8:51 PM, Wednesday, December 17th]

My first DDay was March 2022, and I started the Divorce process in August of this year. So close to three and a half years of "R". What I found out throughout that process was my wife never really told me the truth. Things kept coming up because all her crying and begging and remorse were really just crying and begging to be able to keep her stability through me and have her validation from outside the marriage. She couldn't give up the OM (multiple). I think she did for long stretches of time, I really do believe that. But she'd always leave an option open for them to reach out, and when it happened, I guess the rush of it just was too much for her to resist. And I also think there were long periods of time where she'd rekindle things and still be in regular, though much much more secretive, contact with them. The reality is that if she wants to contact APs, then there are just too many ways to hide it and a BS can never really be sure that every avenue is shut down. The only way the avenues of communication are shut down is if the WS does it of their own volition, and then you have to trust that they do (It's always like this in every monogamous relationship, just made a lot harder after all trust has been shattered). So in my case, it took me a long time, but eventually there was just too much smoke. And then it was proven after I started the D process, because she pretty openly got back into contact with her APs. That pretty well proved to me that all the things she talked about being disgusted with herself and having no desire to remember this "lowest, worst version" of herself was just a bunch of crap. If she truly felt that way, even if she was not going to be in a marriage with me anymore, it'd make sense that if she was going to be in a new relationship she'd find someone new. Instead she openly went back to the APs, so she obviously didn't consider it all a great mistake. But yeah, 3+ years I'm sure makes you feel like an anomaly and I began to feel like I'd missed my opportunity to pursue D. It wouldn't be fair after all the effort. There was no new "blow up". But you're not as much of an anomaly as you may think, and it's within your rights to still be done with it and end R just because it ultimately isn't working for you.

1345Marine,

And then it was proven after I started the D process, because she pretty openly got back into contact with her APs. That pretty well proved to me that all the things she talked about being disgusted with herself and having no desire to remember this "lowest, worst version" of herself was just a bunch of crap. If she truly felt that way, even if she was not going to be in a marriage with me anymore, it'd make sense that if she was going to be in a new relationship she'd find someone new. Instead she openly went back to the APs, so she obviously didn't consider it all a great mistake.

Perhaps she did genuinely feel disgusted with herself for what she did to you, but validation from APs for waywards seems to be like alcohol for alcoholics. It’s shameful, but often when additional stress comes along, they turn back to their vice to cope. I think it could be possible that once you started the divorce process, she gave up hope of salvaging your marriage and turned back to the APs, as cheap and easy distractions with them might have felt better than sitting with nothing but the pain of divorce and knowing it was her own fault.

I was chatting with somebody else the other day who was convinced divorce is the only proper recourse for wayward partners, because he thought that was what brought justice and forced them to change. I disagreed. Once divorced, they have the option to run from what they did and who they are. They don’t have to face it and fix themselves or try to repair the damage they caused.

crazyblindsided, thank you. Your post resonates with me. I am starting to believe that I am the type of person that infidelity is a dealbreaker for me as well. It NEVER leaves my mind and I can’t imagine living like this the rest of my life. I am glad to hear that since your D you rarely think about the A. That has been a fear of mine, will I stop obsessing over it, or will I continue to think about it all the time. My hope is that once he is removed from the equation, I will be able to settle. This will be the hardest thing ever, well I guess the A was the hardest thing. Thank you for your thoughts.

1345Marine, thank you for your thoughts as well. My H is very remorseful and stopped all contact with her. But, it still hasn’t helped my mental state. And the few lies that have happened since, haven’t been good either.

Thank you everyone.

My first dday was in November of 2022. I moved out for a trial separation this past March, and told him I want a divorce in July, so it took me about 2.5 years to arrive at that decision, and we only started mediation last month.

By the time I moved out, stbx was desperate to save the marriage, but the changes he made were all temporary, as evidenced by his behavior since I asked for a divorce. He hasn't gone back to AP (as far as I know, but she's still married), but he went full bore into the self-indulgent behaviors that he briefly quit while trying to "win me back."

In the end, like crazyblindsided, I realized that I was never going to be okay with his cheating (nearly 3 years EA+PA with a coworker, and later disclosed an EA from 11 years ago with someone else), and especially with the trickle truths and outright lies after dday1. I was living each day wishing it was my last, and that's not a great way to live!

I gave R a fair shot for about 2 years, and maybe if he'd behaved differently from the start, we could've save the marriage, but maybe not. I'll never know, but in the end, I felt much the same as you - I didn't really love him like I used to, I didn't want him touching me, and I lost a lot of respect for him that he never regained.

From what I've heard, this is a fairly common journey for the BS. A lot of attempts at R fail in the 2-5 year range. Don't be too hard on yourself if this is where you arrive. He might try to guilt trip you about it (mine did!), but you don't need to accept any blame if you decide to leave him.