SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone,

My wife and I have been married for 12 years and I've loved her by far more than anyone else in my life. About a year ago, I discovered the truth about what had been happening behind my back, and despite a year of active effort to repair the marriage, I’m still deeply struggling.

What I uncovered wasn’t a single betrayal. It involved a two-year affair, a one-night stand, and a deeply inappropriate emotional relationship with her ex-husband that spanned over a decade. There were also severe verbal betrayals, delayed discovery years after the fact, and several months of trickle truth. None of this was disclosed voluntarily, I was not given even small pieces of the truth and had to uncover everything myself and confront her with evidence.

During the affair, my wife and the affair partner communicated all day, almost every day. They exchanged explicit photos and videos, repeatedly said "I love you," and maintained an ongoing emotional and sexual relationship. They had sex in our marital bed while I was at work, multiple times. The affair partner was married as well. I did not learn about the affair until four years after it ended, and I did not learn the full truth about the ex-husband relationship until more than ten years later.

Another layer that has been extremely difficult to process is the verbal betrayal. I later learned that I was spoken about negatively, ridiculed, and made the butt of jokes to the affair partner, her ex-husband, and even friends. While I was being lied to, my character and worth were being dismantled behind my back. That aspect has been especially damaging because it attacks not just trust, but dignity and identity.

Because honesty wasn’t offered, I was forced into a detective role I never wanted. In the process, I was exposed to messages, explicit photos and videos, details of their fantasy-based affair and hookups, messages about the one-night stand, and messages where I was degraded behind my back. Each discovery retraumatized me. Even now, those images and messages replay in my mind against my will, intrusive and persistent, and it feels like my brain is still trying to process information it was never meant to absorb. The delay between the betrayal and discovery has made it feel like my entire past was quietly rewritten.

What complicates everything is that she is doing the right things now. She has cut off all contact with her ex-husband, the affair partner, and the one-night stand. She is fully transparent, has given me full access to her devices, shows genuine remorse, and has consistently treated me with care, respect, and accountability over the past year. I love the person she is now and I’m grateful for the changes she has made, but I cannot reconcile who she was and what she did with me while I trusted her completely. My issues aren't from what she is doing now at all, its rooted in what she did to me while engaging in these severe betrayals.

This has left me dealing with what feels like betrayal trauma: hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts and mental replay, emotional dysregulation, a nervous system stuck in fight-or-flight, numbness followed by waves of grief and anger, and an inability to trust anyone. Even after a full year of trying to heal and repair the marriage, this affects me daily and touches nearly every part of my life.

One additional conflict I’m struggling with is that the affair partner was married and his wife has never been told. I lived in the dark for years, making life decisions based on a false reality, and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. I’m torn about whether telling her is the right thing to do and would appreciate perspectives from those who have faced that decision.

Thank you for reading and for any insight you’re willing to share.

What right things is she doing?

What did she do to switch from cheater to good partner?

Are there things she's not doing that you want her to do?

I read you're unhappy. What have you done so far to relieve your unhappiness?

I know you've suffered a lot. I just hate to jump to conclusions without more info.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 5:27 PM, Thursday, December 18th]

PTSD from that kind of betrayal is normal. A year is not long in the big scheme of things. Give yourself some grace. I eventually had some emdr sessions with a therapist to deal with it.

It's also common for the WP to malign the BP during the A. I know my H badmouthed me to the OW. I know she badmouthed her H to mine. That's one way she reeled my H in. She appealed to his KISA complex.

It's one way for them to rationalize what they're doing and absolve themselves of guilt. It isn't reality.

Are you in IC? Have you confronted your W about the things she said about you?

Thanks alot for the response! Here are the answers to your questions.

What right things is she doing?

She is fully transparent, honest, kind, focused on our marriage and doing everything she can to repair it. She is remorseful and sickened by what she did and does not want to be that person. She has consistently shown me that she has changed over the last year. Im grateful for this, but it doesnt undo the many years of damage and betrayal.

What did she do to switch from cheater to good partner?

She stopped cheating after the one night stand. A couple years before I found out. That was with someone that she knew, it didnt have the fantasy attached to it that the 2 year affair did. She states thats the moment that broke her. She truly had a bad experience during that and it woke her up. I have confirmed that this truly was the last time, I am 100 percent confident of that.

However, she didnt start truly changing the dynamics in our marriage until I found out about a year ago and she was faced with the possibility of divorce. Thats when the real changes in our relationship happened.

Are there things she's not doing that you want her to do?

Honestly, no. Its not about what she is doing now. Its regarding processing the severe betrayals that have already taken place.

What have you done so far to relieve your unhappiness?

We work on creating positive moments together as much as possible. But ive experienced severe trauma due to all of this, so im constantly attacked with images, messages and thoughts of what happened. Im constantly trying to redirect my brain. "It was in the past, theres nothing you can do to change it, she's not that person now" etc.

I also try to indulge myself in hobbies and things that occupy my brain, but those are only temporary relief.

Also im wondering from others in similar situations if they feel its wise to inform the APs wife. She doesnt know. I dont want others living in the same darkness that I was.

Thanks again for any insights!

You always tell the other spouse. Doesn’t matter how long it’s been. Also, don’t tell your wife that you’re doing it or planning etc. just make it happen. It’s a great way to find out if they are still in contact.

I don’t have any advice on how to handle the complete disrespect she showed you. No matter what, I would never be able to discern if that was her true self and if she’s wearing a new mask now or not.

Thanks for the response cocoplus5nuts.

Are you in IC?
I tried IC for a few months. It didnt seem to help me very much. However, it could have just been that specific therapist. Ive considered trying again with a different one.

Have you confronted your W about the things she said about you?

Oh yes. Shes been confronted about everything. It was a very rough time. She wouldn't be honest at all at first. I ended up recovering all the messages on her phone (which she gave me willingly thinking everything was gone). Printing them off and putting the evidence right out there so she couldn't deny anything anymore. Ive never done anything like that previously, I always trusted her. But after I knew she was lying repeatedly and refused to tell me the truth, I did what I had to do to get the truth.

This comes with severe consequence to me though. Having all of those messages and images in your brain makes it alot harder to heal. If only she had been honest, I wouldn't have had to go through all of this. I wouldn't have these images in my memory banks.

As far as the insults she said about me, she said they arent true at all and she only said those to boost the APs ego. But when someone has lied to you repeatedly, its hard to know what to believe.

I definitely have some resentment towards her that im trying to work through. Its a very conflicting feeling when the one you love the most, has hurt you the most.

Tell the other spouse. Not only does she deserve to know the truth about her own marriage, but by not telling you are holding your healing back by keeping yourself complicit in their affair.

Thanks again for the responses.

I concluded telling the APs wife was most likely the right choice as well. I just wanted other people's opinions on the matter before I did that.

What i dont want to do is introduce additional drama into the already dramafied situation. Ive had plenty. Also i am not interested in dealing with retaliation from the AP or the APs wife. Has anyone dealt with retaliation after exposing the affair and what that might look like?

I considered sending her an anonymous letter full of the important details that would make it very hard to dismiss.

Thoughts?

I have been lurking on this board for nearly ten years and I have never seen a case of retaliation for exposure to the OBS. Never.

Also, make sure the letter can't be intercepted....maybe a certified letter for which she has to sign.

AND: don't tell your spouse you are doing this, that way if she finds out, you'll know they are still in contact.

Check out EMDR therapy. My advice is to focus on you. The thing that helped me move forward is that I discovered that I like me and I focused on building my future. Nothing will change the past. My wife totally changed her attitude and marriage dynamics after our Dday. It takes time. Do pursue IC. If it turns out that her infidelity is a dealbreaker for you, because you just can’t get past the hurt, you can always file for D. But always value yourself. And do inform the AP’s OBS. She deserves to know the truth of her life.

Your story is very sad OP. Similar to many on here, unfortunately. I discovered many years after the fact my wife had multiple affairs over the first 20 years of our marriage.

One thing that jumps out to me is that what you know about your wife’s affairs was "discovered" rather than "disclosed". Even including many of the nasty and demeaning things she said about you to her APs and others. Has she voluntarily disclosed ANYTHING to you that you did not discover on your own and would have otherwise not known? Things such as an unknown AP, whether it was physical or not, how long things went on, how many instances of sex, that they had sex in your bed? If not, how confident are you that you TRULY have the entire scope of her cheating? I had suspicions that my wife cheated on me in real time. On D-Day I found out that every single time I thought she was cheating, she was. There were also times I had no clue about and never would have known had she not disclosed. We ended up doing a polygraph. Have you done one or considered it? Many of us have had the floodgates open (up to and including in the parking lot of the polygraph examiner) once the polygraph was scheduled.

Also, include me in the "tell the OBS about the affair. My wife’s first affair was in 1985. She confided in one of the bridesmaids from our wedding the prior year. We had both been friends with this woman for years. She was disgusted with my wife and ended the friendship. But never told me. I got cheated on for the next 19 years and my D-Day was in 2022. Many people knew my wife was cheating and never told me. They are ALL complicit in "stealing my life" through infidelity as far as I am concerned.

Welcome to SI and sorry you're here. In the JFO (Just Found Out) forum, there are some posts pinned to the top that you may find helpful. The Healing Library is at the top of the site and has a lot of great information.

You may wish to try IC with a betrayal trauma specialist. My second therapist was one, and I got so much more out of therapy than with my talk therapist. EMDR may be helpful, too.

Your WW (wayward wife) should be in therapy to work on her why's. Past behavior can predict future behavior and cheaters rarely change with the snap of the fingers. She should read How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda MacDonald and Not Just Friends by Dr. Shirley Glass.

It's common for the wayward to rewrite marital history so they aren't the bad guy in their own story.

If you need, get rid of the bed and get a new one.

Please tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse). They deserve the right to make life choices with the truth. If others knew about your wife's A, would you like to have them let you know?

I can relate to everything you've written and wish I could say that the healing happens overnight. I too struggle(d) with notifying the other spouse and ultimately have chosen not to. My wife's AP did some things after my discovery that made me question his mental stability and since we did not let our kids know what happened I'm fearful he would go off the deep end and notify the whole world via social media etc. In the end I decided it was not worth the emotional trauma that my kids would be subjected to vs. his wife being notified and forcing him to have to deal with that aftermath like I did. As much as I wanted to, I think it's been the best decision thus far (my IC agrees as well) although despite us moving into a better phase of reconciliation, telling his wife is one thing that I ruminate on quite a bit, probably for the wrong reasons (revenge vs. helping her). Beyond informing him or her to pull the curtain back on the facade that is their marriage, how will it really help MY healing? That's the question I had to ask myself. In the end I felt it was going to do more harm than good to my family as a whole. My WW had already done enough damage to me and our marriage so did I really want my kids, family, friends, etc to become part of that? The answer was no. I know there are many on here who disagree, in some cases vehemently disagree, but that's the great part about this forum is everyone does so respectfully and understands that every situation is different. All we can do is offer insight into our situations to give you perspective. I hope this helps and good luck moving forward.

I considered sending her an anonymous letter full of the important details that would make it very hard to dismiss.

I sent the OBS (other betrayed spouse) a letter by registered mail so only she could receive it. I included everything I knew and how I knew it all. I included my name, email address and phone number. We exchanged a few emails and that was that.

Please don't send this anonymously. This is all way to important to hide behind anonymity. She will, most likely, be an ally of sorts. You don't have to be friends, but any exchange of information will likely help you both.

For most people, the betrayal of infidelity is a severe emotional and psychological trauma. It takes years to recover and heal. PTSD is extremely common. This is includes hypervigalence, hypersensitivity, and hyper everything else.

Continuing to work on reconciliation and your marriage is all fine and dandy. However, you cannot attach your healing and happiness to her or your marriage. It's all very personal. It's all about you, your recovery and healing, finding your own inner peace. Sometimes counselors can help.

Focus on you, what makes you happy, what brings you joy, alone and separate from your wife. Only when we are at peace with ourselves can we be at peace with the rest of the world.

Thanks everyone for your responses so far. You've all been very helpful. I truly appreciate the feedback.

Here are a few answers to your questions.

Discovery vs. disclosure:

Has she voluntarily disclosed ANYTHING to you that you did not discover on your own and would have otherwise not known? Things such as an unknown AP, whether it was physical or not, how long things went on, how many instances of sex, that they had sex in your bed? If not, how confident are you that you TRULY have the entire scope of her cheating?

The Discovery vs. Disclosure aspect of this makes it alot harder for me. I dont believe if I hadnt found this out on my own that she would have EVER told me. It had already been almost 4 years since the last event. If she was going to tell me, she already would have.

She only admitted to the betrayals after being confronted with evidence. Even then she tried to minimize it drastically on dday and months to follow. What was actually 20 times in reality, she started saying it was once. Then that changed to five times and maybe 10. What was almost 2 years with the AP started as only 3 months, then it was 6 months. Then maybe a year.

It was only after I confronted her with all the evidence. Told her I knew everything that she started being honest about it.

There were a few details that she admitted to that I didnt have in what was discovered. But it was only under the pressure of "I have everything" that this came out. She never once provided a willing disclosure without pressure.

She was VERY different in the beginning of this vs. how she is now. At first she was trying to do damage control. Now its very different. She has shown true remorse and change for the last year. But it took alot of work to get there.

Im 100% sure I have the full scope of what happened, with who, for how long and the extent of the relationships. How many times it happened, etc.

I honestly have way more information about it than most ever get in these scenarios. Which is a double edged sword. Being exposed to all of the messages, images, videos, etc makes it alot harder to heal. It also gives your brain alot more ammo to attack you with. I truly wish she had just been fully honest instead of having to see everything.

Im very technically savvy. So once I knew she was lying to me I restored all deleted text communications, gained access to the chat app she used for another situation and all social media, email, photos, google search history, etc.

Ive NEVER before in 12 years of marriage ever even so much as looked at her phone. It was only under these extreme circumstances where she wouldn't tell me the truth that I did that.

She was very poor at hiding anything digitally. I had just trusted her completely. I never suspected this at all, she had my complete trust. The only reason I didnt figure this out sooner was because of that trust. If I had any suspicion earlier on, I would have figured this out long ago.

Additionally to ensure that nothing was missed. She took a polygraph and passed. It proved everything I had already uncovered was the full extent of it.

Also, through this process, ive become very good at detecting if she's lying about anything. She has specific uncontrollable facial and eye movements. I can also hear it in her tone. Previously the trust clouded my judgement. But now, with that gone, I can smell a lie a mile away. Shes completely honest now, fully transparent, kind and invested. A completely different person. But I never let my guard down fully. I take it one day at a time. I test her regularly to see if theres any dishonesty. For almost the past year, she has been completely honest. But again, its been a long hard road to get to this point.

[This message edited by TheBetrayedHusband at 4:38 PM, Friday, December 19th]

Thanks for the input Unhinged. Here's my response to your comments.

Please don't send this anonymously. This is all way to important to hide behind anonymity. She will, most likely, be an ally of sorts. You don't have to be friends, but any exchange of information will likely help you both.

Here was my thought process Unhinged:

Ive already created the letter to send to the APs wife advising of the affair. I just havent sent it yet.

Its full of all the important details, dates of encounters and everything I would ever want to know about the affair myself. Its pretty hard to dismiss in its current form.

I also planned to include an email that she could contact me on if she had any questions.

The only part I planned to leave out was my name. Only because Im not interested in additional drama or retaliation of any kind. Also, I love my wife even though she's done these awful things to me, I dont want to make her a target either or setback the healing in our marriage. But i feel its important to let his wife know. It has been nagging at me for a while and I believe it will help with my healing as well.

Also, Once confronted, the AP could very well tell her who I am anyways.

Anyone, feel free to correct me here. Ive been living in a bubble with this. Outside perspectives from anyone that has gone through this are completely welcomed.

Thanks in advance for everyones input!

But ive experienced severe trauma due to all of this, so im constantly attacked with images, messages and thoughts of what happened. Im constantly trying to redirect my brain. "It was in the past, theres nothing you can do to change it, she's not that person now" etc.

Severe trauma - yes. I wish I could show you, say, that it's not severe trauma, but I can't. Finding out one has been betrayed by one's partner is traumatic, and it' very difficult not to keep thinking about it.

I believe the way to heal is almost always to feel the immense anger, grief, fear, shame, etc. that come with being betrayed, because feeling the feelings lets them go.

I also believe a good IC is almost required to do this. Distracting yourself gives, at this point, only temporary relief, as you've found out. So my reco is to look for an IC with whom you are willing to get into your feelings. Tell potential ICs you want help dealing with your feelings and ask how they'd help you. Pick one who makes sense to you.

*****

The formula that helped me the most when I was a new BS was: BS heals BS. WS heals WS. Together we heal our M, if we both want to. I considered D, but I wanted R. My W revealed her A because I asked the right questions. She hasn't told a lie since before she confessed. No TT, blameshifting, or minimization. No breaking NC. She worked to heal herself whether I was going to stay or go. So, I wanted to R, and she was a good candidate for R. We kept working at it, and we've R'ed.

Have you considered D? Are you sure you want to R? (Real question. I expect you do, but I think it's worth your while to check.)

Your W shows some qualities of a good candidate for R, but not all. I'm concerned that she tells you only what you know, but you know more than most of us. My W and her ap exchanged 50 texts/day, and I didn't know they could be recovered, so I don't really know what they wrote to each other. But you have (a lot of) the texts. I wonder what she could tell you that you don't know.

Is there something more you'd like to know?

*****

I definitely have some resentment towards her that im trying to work through. Its a very conflicting feeling when the one you love the most, has hurt you the most.

I always read 'resentment' as anger. The best way I found to work through my anger about my W's cheating was to tell her I was furious about her cheating and lying. 'Telling her' involved a loud voice and a furious affect, and I started by saying, 'I'm furious'. I did not minimize that.

I didn't call her names, because I had learned that showed anger without releasing it. Standing across a room and showing her how angry I was actually released anger. Besides, what name is worse than cheater? If I called her a whore, I'd have been insulting whores.

At first I held back, but not for long. Anger is a very natural response to being betrayed. If my W couldn't handle my anger, she was of no use to me. If your W can't accept your anger, of what use is she to you? As I became more sure that she really wanted to R, showing my anger became easier.

*****

I've shared the above to show you some options you have. If something I've written looks useful to you, great - you have a potential way forward. If something I've written turns you off, great - you now have some ideas about the paths that seem unlikely to work for you.

IOW, you have to find your own path to healing. Pretty much whatever works for you is the right way to go.

*****

I, too, am for telling OBS and against anonymity. An anonymous note is too easily discounted as mischief-making, IMO.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:52 PM, Friday, December 19th]