SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi everyone, its been 5 weeks since i found out my husband of 8 years had an affair with a colleague. It’s literally the hardest thing i have ever gone through in my life. For the first 6 weeks, he was begging for forgiveness and i could see the remorse. He signed up for individual therapy himself and after reading some positive stories of reconciliation i thought i would try. So i said if he wants to go to couples therapy i need these conditions met which includes passwords to everything, and a long term solution for work. That freaked him out. My mum also text him if he cant change then dont waste my time. I would describe him as a dissmissive avoidant and any pressure makes him crack. So after 2 weeks of back and forth, and him saying i dont know if i can do these things, or be this person, i said "okay dont worry about the list, i was in fight or flight and lets just go to therapy." Then he starts saying, " i dont want to, im not ready for marriage and im not going to be ready anytime soon". He said i should never have kicked him out because it made him too comfortable with the idea of being alone. I was shocked. I kept saying how are you so prepared to give up when we haven’t even tried. And he said i would be fighting for this alone and he wasn’t happy in the marriage. It feels like i have been crushed 5 times over. Its been 3 days since that conversation and i have started no contact with him. Its really emotionally hard. We have a 4 year old and it pains me when he comes to get her. It also pains me that he gave up on her having a family without even trying. Im just leaving it as is at the moment and focusing on myself. I dont know if over time he will come around or not. Im planning for thr worst just incase. Has anyone been in this position?

Passwords and a long term solution for work freaked him out?

He sounds short on character.

See a lawyer, just to get "the lay of the land."

Sorry you’re here.

Best wishes.

Now he doesn’t want to try

I quoted the title because it's all it matters here.

First of all 'welcome' and sorry you are here. I feel you are overwhelmed and is going to be one of the hardest trials of your life.

You will find sympathy, insight and guidance here that you won't find anywhere else.

Now about the title:

The most important thing when dealing with a cheater, if the BS is considering to take them back is the following

The WS must be ready to do anything to regain the trust of their BS. And by Anything I mean Anything. If you ever see that "anything" has a line, don't take them back. They are not ready.

Read about the 180, is what you should do right now.

What he is doing is seeing that you still care, and manipulate you in order to get forgiveness without changing his ways.

Hard 180, let him understand that he is gone, if he ever wants in again he'll have to earn it, prove it, and you still have to decide if you will ever say even a "maybe".

You need to protect your emotions right now, because it will get worse with time, you must do damage control, not letting him room to hurt you more than he did already

Don't talk to him in terms of "we". There is no "we"now, there is just You and an asshole.
And all should be focused on You now. Not on him.

You should focus on healing yourself.

This is not harsh, this is to save you a world of pain.

[This message edited by BackfromtheStorm at 6:57 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

Sometimes the best thing we can do is listen to what they say, what they do, and what they want, and then base OUR future on what they are really offering.

Like here he says he wants to try, then he doesn’t, wants to do the work, then he doesn’t and now he says he’s not ready for marriage.

There is a name for the process of "not being married", and that is divorce.

It might not be what you want, but it’s what he’s offering you. Maybe not in direct words.

The way I see it is like this: You wake up to a fire in your home. It doesn’t matter if you won’t believe the shriek from the smoke-detectors, try to ignore the smoke and flames and do you very best to hide under the sheets. There is still a fire raging in your home.
It’s not until you get out of bed, call the fire department, save what you can and get out, and then watch the firemen douse your house in water, tear at the roof-beams... It’s only when the flames are out and you out of danger that you can evaluate if the house is inhabitable or not.

This is where you are now: Your husband has torched the marriage. Your fire-department is you moving on, starting the process of terminating the marriage formally and separating financially, logistically and emotionally.
Just like you didn’t want to lose your favorite sofa to the flames, this might not be what you want. But it’s what reality is offering.

Once out of infidelity... you rebuild.

This is awful for you, I know. However, we see many wayward spouses string the betrayed along with empty promises and appeals to work on it, only to give half efforts, continue deceptive behavior and drag it out for years sometimes. Your husband is showing you who he really is. Believe him.

I agree that it's time to detach and start the divorce process. Don't try to convince him or win him back. That almost never works. If he comes around and shows true remorse and sincerity, and you still want to fix things, you can always pause the process, but right now you don't have anything to work with.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here, but there are some good folks who understand what you're going through. Keep posting, ask questions, or just use us to vent to if you need it. Hang in there. One way or another you will get through this.

Thank you everyone. I have been talking to a lawyer in the background and getting a sense of money to pay him out. I just feel terrible. I keep thinking of everything I should have done or could have done. I keep blaming myself. He said something like "if only i knew you loved me this much" because i was willing to forgive him. I know i stopped showing him as much affection towards the end but it was because he kept pushing me away. He was always out late. Barely made time for us, barely tried to build our connection. I said to him, i was constantly trying for this marriage but you were always in your own world. Then he blames me for saying in arguments that i want a divorce, but i said that because he would lie about small things repeatedly and it was ruining trust. I wanted him to understand the seriousness. I just cant believe someone can be so willing to walk away from their family. And he justifies it by saying he isnt walking away from our daughter, its just the marriage.

I’m sorry for you. Because YOU are being victimized yet again by a manipulative lying spouse.

I’m going to be honest and give you my two cents. Many many people are very AFRAID of any kind of therapy. Cheaters often fall into that category.

Not sure why. I think they would rather run away than face it to address an issue. Case in point. You say he lies, stays out late, not invested in the marriage - all 🚩🚩🚩🚩. And not surprising that there is NO accountability or willingness to even work with you.

Should you reconcile it most likely will be on his terms. Meaning he calls the shots and you agree OR you will basically be arguing about the same things you do now - his lying, staying out late etc. He will not agree to therapy and will want to sweep issues under the rug.

From my experience after my H’s first affair I did nothing. BIG MISTAKE! It made it easier to cheat the 2nd time. Second affair I was a very different person and stood up to him. He mistakenly thought he had any say or control over me, kids, marriage etc. I took back my power and refused to play his game any longer. I did the hard 180 and refused to listen to him for one more second blame me for his unhappiness, blah blah blah.

You cannot reconcile with someone who refuses to change. And inside of 24 hours my H realized he needed to change or he would be D.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 9:29 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

Thanks for this advice. What do you suggest i do and how i should handle conversations?

Thanks for this advice. What do you suggest i do and how i should handle conversations?

Read this about the 180, this is the framework of the approach that can be most beneficial for you right now:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/articles/discovery/understanding-the-180/

Just keep in mind that the 180 is for you. It's not a manipulation tactic to try and change him. It's about you detaching and getting your feet under you. It prepares you mentally for life without him while at the same time giving him a taste of it. If he snaps out of it and comes around, then that's just a side effect. Don't expect it tho. This is about you becoming independent and finding your inner strength. You can do it.

Again, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. I know how devastating it is, believe me. It will get better tho. It just takes time. Hang in there. I second using the 180, and don't beat yourself up if you stumble a little bit. This stuff is hard. Reach out if you need some encouragement or someone to talk to. This is a good group for that. We're on your side. You're being heard.

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/documents/library/faq/bs/?FAQ=11

[This message edited by Pogre at 11:51 PM, Tuesday, February 3rd]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't know how any "man" can do this to his 4 year old child. A man should be willing to jump in front of a bus to save his kid. A woman too. He doesn't sound like much of a "man" to me and he's definitely not husband or father material. I think he pretty much admits this to you - he doesn't want to be married. He wants the trappings, maybe, but not the hard responsibilities or the self denial that often come with this. The biggest NO you often have to say in marriage is to YOURSELF and what you want and desire because you want more, esp for your kids. I know this is not probably what you want to hear, but move forward with a divorce, just go for it. This guy is immature, and he's only gonna make you go back and forth and if you did stay together, you'd find more D days. He's just not marriage material. Only HE can make that of himself and that's requires a maturing process and a desire to be that kind of person he may just not have. He just may not be capable of it. The most he might be able to be is Uncle Daddy, you know what I mean. I don't want to see you wasting more time and pain on a situation that I think is unlikely to get any better. Certainly not any time soon. He needs to grow up and even if he does, there's no guarantee he'd grow up into the kind of man who would be what you and your child want and need. I'd end this, stop the back and forth, go as low contact as you can for your child, and build your nest and future around yourself and her. Try to do and find the things that you enjoy, that are meaningful and productive for YOURSELF - build your own future. Let him do what he will with his. He has to find his own way. There are better men out there, you may or may not want one eventually, but I'm telling you - you can do better.

I never had to do this stuff around conversations myself, I don't have kids, but I understand as they others here say - the 180 is a great tool. In general I would say, DO NOT BUY INTO his view of you or your relationship or the future. He's a big ole man baby and don't buy into it. Don't listen to him saying what's wrong with you or what's wrong with your marriage or if only this or that was different, blah blah. The problem is him. He's a big ole man baby. He needs to grow up and whether he does or not, you can't control. I really think if you stay involved and try to R with him, he'll just keep pulling you back and forth. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants, maybe he likes drama, who knows, who cares. You have to stop caring.
I'd say when you know you're gonna converse, rehearse it in your head first so you know what you're gonna say and maybe it will take the jitters or surprises out of it. You want to be as emotionless as possible. Try to stick to facts and stay away from feelings. Feelings can't be independent verified and they just lead you into entanglement. Just keep it to objective facts as much as you can. I would not get into the blame game on him or take any for yourself. He is what he is and he's been fairly explicit about that so....I'd just say a skunk is a skunk and no one says it's a dog and no one likes the smell. Keep the interactions to a minimum, keep them simple, direct, and fact based. If he starts to bring up shit, just say I'm sorry you feel like that, and go back to your facts. Always go back to whatever you have to say and you want to keep it as emotionless as possible. You can do your feelings when you're alone. It will make things easier for you and provide him less opportunity to manipulate or attack you. If he starts getting nasty or too emotional, just end the conversation in whatever way you can and move on.

It's hard to do, but it's a great skill to learn and it can serve in many different situations including work.

There is no point in having a conversation w/ someone who lies constantly.

The conversation can be short and to the point. This is what I said to my H in 30 seconds:

"I am divorcing you. I’m sorry it has come to this but I have no other choice. I have nothing left to give to this marriage. You are free to be with the OW or anyone else you choose".

And I left the room and planned to meet with the mediators after the holiday season.

I did the hard 180 and refused to speak to him unless I had to (meaning kids were around).

I suggest the same for you. Don’t tell him he’s a liar and cheater and selfish. You already told him those things and nothing changed. So you don’t need to bring it up again — it only frustrates you. It hurts you. It’s difficult for you.

He doesn’t care or he would have changed by now.

Maya Angelou had a wonderful quote and I think you need to read it. When someone shows you who they are believe them the first time. He has shown you, quite clearly, that he has no staying power. He played at getting married and he played it being a father, but that’s really what it is, he’s playing. For whatever reason, and I’m going on what your description is, he’s still just a child. He’s had a toy, it’s gotten a little old. He’s thrown it away. That really is as far as he’s grown emotionally. One thing that’s very clear is you cannot change another human being. If he’s this way then he’s this way. At some point in his life, he might grow up, but if I were you, I wouldn’t bank on it. In this case, I see a very clear path for you to take and that is straight to the divorce lawyer. I don’t think you have anything to work with.

[This message edited by Cooley2here at 2:37 AM, Wednesday, February 4th]

When my H told me during his (2nd/last) affair he wanted a Divorce, I was shocked. Not once in 25+ years of marriage had that word ever been spoken.

I couldn’t accept it was just over. Just like that. So I made all the classic mistakes (as I did not know about SI then) and did the pick me dance etc., listened to his crap about everything being my fault (and stupidly believing it) and trying to be the loving and supportive wife.

At the last possible second my H decided he didn’t want a D and begged for another chance. Against my common sense I agreed to reconcile but I gave him 30 days to turn this around b/c I was planning to D him!!!! Somehow he did — against all odds.

I feel for you. You have been blindsided by his sudden decision to D. I think you need to be smart and prepare/protect yourself should he actually decide to go through with it.

I can tell you it takes alot of strength to Reconcile OR Divorce. Both come with challenges and years of hard work to overcome the trauma.

I can say that being betrayed requires you to overcome the lies and pain and damage you suffer whether you R or D. The goal is always to choose the path that gives you peace and happiness in the end. I have never regretted my decision to R so for me, it was the right decision. However had I chose to D him I know that would have been the right Decision too.

[This message edited by The1stWife at 2:24 PM, Wednesday, February 4th]

There was nothing you did or didn't do that could have prevented your H's decision to cheat. He made his decisions because of his issues with himself, not because of issues with you.

You are the prize here. He is not.

The original 180 document has too many internal contradictions for me. <y reco is to read and implement https://survivinginfidelity.com/topics/598080/the-simplified-180/.

I'm very sorry you have been betrayed. You didn't fail. Your H did. There's nothing you can do about that except respond to your WS's actions. As much as you hurt now, as bleak as your future seems, you can heal. You can survive and thrive. A good IC can help.