SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hi, I'm new here and I don't know which forum to post in so I thought I'd start here in General but please direct me to somewhere more suitable if appropriate. Here are the bare bones of my situation (I will add more detail once I know where best to do so).

- My wife and I have been together for 31 years, married for 21 of them.
- Last year she turned 50, and at her birthday party she had sexual relations with two other people.
- She confessed pretty much straight away and we entered into a fairly intense period of hysterical bonding.
- I am prone to overthinking and wanted to understand what it all meant.
- She is prone to compartmentalising, saw it as a stupid mistake and wanted to move on.
- For me this experience has made me count the blessings of our relationship, which are many, and this has made me fall in love with her all over again.
- For her she wants everything to go back to normal, and we have always lived quite independent lives.
- It's not the infidelity I'm finding difficult, it's the topsy turvy nature of our responses to it.
- I feel like I have to force myself to be distant to keep her from feeling smothered.
- I find myself second guessing whether she is less affectionate now, or whether it was always like this but more equal before (I think I've always been more affectionate than her).

Has anyone else been in a similar situation? How did you navigate it?

She wants to rugsweep, which is normal for a wayward. There is no way you are going to feel safe again if you don't understand why and how she made the decision to betray you. Which she absolutely did. Don't let her hide behind the word "mistake". This is because mistakes have way different levels of occurence. Putting salt into your coffee instead of sugar is a "mistake" but was not a decision. Fighting a landwar in Russia is a "mistake" and is a horrible decision. Your wife's ONS is somewhere in between, but she didn't do it on accident.

Why did she make the decisions she made? How will she avoid those decisions next time? What was the lead up to this event like?

STD test. Complete written timeline (polygraph to confirm no other instances of cheating).

Sorry you find yourself here. It’s the best club you never wanted to join. Read in the healing library. Don’t do the pick me dance or plead or beg her. It never works. Was this sexual encounter with two people pre-planned for her landmark birthday? Or was it a drunken tryst? She certainly did not consider your feelings before engaging in infidelity. Get tested for STD’s. Of course she wants to rugsweep. She does not seem remorseful. Take time to think what you want. Set your boundaries. You may decide that her actions are a deal-breaker for you. You have to process the trauma of being betrayed. Give yourself time to decide what you want to do. Watch her actions and not her words. Do not allow her to stonewall. Good luck.

She wants things to go back to normal because she doesn't want to be accountable for her actions. Few do. I can tell you from reading countless amounts of accounts, not addressing this will slowly eat you alive.

It's clear you want to make things work and it would seem you are fairly convinced that this is just an alcohol fueled isolated incident but nevertheless If I were you I'd be asking a lot of questions.

Firstly, where you at the party? Did this happen under your nose? If so that's a staggering level of disrespect.

Have you addressed why she did this? I'm sorry but having sex with two people in a night after a long marriage isn't forgetting to pick up milk. It's not just a stupid mistake. I like to think I've lived a full life with it's fair share of debortuary and have never stumbled into having sex with two people in one night, not even when I was free to do so.

Was this threesome with friends? Is she going to cut these friends out? Are you comfortable if she does not?

Have you attempted to ask how she thinks she'd react if the situation was reversed?

I'm a highly proactive person, I truly believe doing nothing is rarely the answer.

[This message edited by DRSOOLERS at 9:28 AM, Tuesday, March 24th]

If we omit relationships that are open, or polyamorous or into swinging and focus on "normal" marriages:
For most "normal" people sex outside a marriage is a deviation from "norm".
As in – it’s probably more common for "normal" people not to do it.
Within the group that does have affairs, having multiple partners is pretty rare.
Having multiple partners the same night… THAT is definitely not common.

I would want to get to the bottom of that.
Did she take part in a threesome or was this two separate encounters same night?
Who were the participants? I’m guessing that at a party she hosts it’s people she knows. I’m also guessing it’s a comparable group to you (i.e. married couples).
Where did this happen? Living room or did they slink away?
Your home? Daily reminders and flags?

Was she excessively drunk? Maybe to the point of not being capable of reasonable consent?

This isn’t a mistake. Let’s be clear on that. Maybe not pulling back from a kiss might be a "mistake", but sex with two people…

I think you need to get to the truth.