D day + 5(?) new member : (

Hello all I am new here . I guess I just need to vent a little. I have been with my partner for 5 years. We live together. I would say our emotional connection has always been very very strong. We are not legally married and a lot of people see that as a reason for it being easier to leave , but , I am just so stuck in a cycle of feeling like I can’t do this anymore but at the same time wanting to reconcile our relationship. The transgressions were very very bad though. Let me start from the beginning .
There was cheating in the past but like more than 2 years ago. Giving a girl a ride and kissing her. I found out immediately . Anyone else have that super intuition that you just know right away? Anyway , I cried and was depressed and went through the whole trauma and I feel like I kind of just went through it myself . It was "brushed under the rug" his response was more like I’m sorry, it happened . But let’s move on toward the future etc… clearly that doesn’t really work. I became desensitized to it but I also became somewhat desensitized to our relationship. Things got really good when his daughter was staying with us , we felt like a real family. She moved to another state with the mom about a year ago. Since then , I would say it’s been BAD but I have felt more and more distance. On my end . I usually don’t want to have sex with him etc. I don’t find myself initiating saying I love him. It’s like I still love him just as much as before but I have a hard time feeling safe/ secure in the relationship because no real "work" was put in to fixing it .
Fast forward to now. Friday night he comes to bed after I am asleep and I feel it is so late . I said what time is it he said like 3 , he was just watching YouTube videos etc. remember that intuition I mentioned above ? I just knew. Anyway after days of arguing about me knowing he was out with a woman (he denied it and said he was with his friend from work but somehow could not show me said messages with the friend) , I finally went through his phone. With his permission , so very dumb about clearing evidence clearly. Because what I found is way worse than I imagined . First, I found evidence of an online emotional affair that’s been going on for months. The woman lives in another country , whatever. Obviously does not feel good but , honestly , I was recently talking to a guy online for a few months too. It was My first bout of infidelity and I think I only felt ok to do it just based on him having done what he wanted before . Anyways that ended and I really
Felt like refocusing on our relationship . I know deep down we really love each other there was a reason we have spent 5 years together. Then I discover this , I cry we cry whatever … but it gets worse. I still feel uneasy about the going out late at night, knowing this woman isnt the one who’s living in another country it must be another woman too. My partner is a Spanish speaker , something told me to check Google Translate history (pro tip for bilingual people looking for answers). I found that he had been using an ESCORT site and was asking a prostitute to have a "car date " with a blowjob etc . If there could have been any doubt that he went through with it , the last message in the translator said "baby , did you take the condom out of the car ?"
I feel so disgusted . And sad , as it’s been 5 days i am just starting to eat and sleep again and not crying as much. Half of me feels that this is unforgivable and I can’t move on because I believe that I deserve someone to respect me. And my health . The other half of me thinks about reconciling because I very much still love him and have considered him my family. The issue with that is he is "sorry " and hates that I feel so bad and "wants to do better "
Etc , but somehow , he still didn’t do it ! He would never do that to me . The denial drives me insane . The cheating sucks but the lack of honesty after finding out about it is what makes me feel
Like there can’t be any hope. Anyways , sorry for the long post. This is definitely very traumatic for me . And while I recognize I have been deeply disrespected, part of me wants to try and work it out. But I can’t, if he doesn’t be forthcoming and put in the work.

9 comments posted: Thursday, August 20th, 2026