SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

DDay was 3 weeks ago. We've been together for 25 years and married 23 years. We had what I thought a good marriage before all this.

I found out that my H has been having an emotional affair with a woman he met online. He created another email and social media account for this purpose. The affair has been going on for 8 months when I found out.

He has never locked his phone, so I never suspected anything. I trusted him wholeheartedly. I don't know why I would reached for his phone that night.. and when I opened his phone, and there it was.. the chat with the AP, talking about me! He forgot to close the chat and switch accounts.

I couldn't believe what I was reading. They're talking about my perimenopause symptoms and joked about it, and the "I love you" s and the love emoticon bombing. I couldn't scrolled up again to read the previous chat. I was too shocked and shaken up pretty bad. He's like totally another person. I couldn't recognised him in that chat. He never use emoticons when he texts me.

When I confronted him about the affair. He immediately confessed and apologized. He totally cutoff contact with the AP without any closure. He deleted the email and the social media account in front of me. He also blocked her account from his real account.

When I asked him why he did this. He said that he's looking for the wrong validations and that he has porn and masturbation addiction. He also told me details about the sex chat with the AP. When I asked him if he loved her, he said yes. But he said he was over her, he doesn't have any feelings for her anymore. He said that it was for fun in the beginning. She texted him first and he responded. He said he was loving the experience of online dating. Later, he wasn't sure that it was love.. It was lust.

So I found out about the affair and the addiction all in one day. I couldn't function normally from that day since. My hearts starts pounding loudly and hands shaking everytime the intrusive thoughts comes.

He's been showing deep remorse and has been pursuing me daily and consistently. He gave me the passwords for all his accounts. He's been buying me flowers every week as a reminder so that he won't go back. He immediately booked an appointment with a counselor and has gone there twice. He's looking at SAA, too. He sits with me everytime I got triggers, and he cries with me. He gave me full access to his calendar and schedule. He would report to me his whereabouts and people he met without I'm asking.

He said that he still loves me, and even more now. He's truly sorry for hurting me deeply. He is doing the work to rebuilt our marriage. He said he can't live without me and the children.

I know I should be happy with his efforts, but I don't feel like I can trust him again the way I trusted him before. I'm still sad, devastated, betrayed, and angry at him. I said I've forgiven him, but everytime new info came out, I would spiralled again. I still have questions but afraid to ask.

I really want to heal from this. I have 3 kids to take care of. I've been a wrecked this past 3 weeks that my kids keep asking me if I'm okay, but of course I couldn't tell them. I never feel so lonely.

I'm sorry if my story is unstructured and my English is bad, I'm from Indonesia and English is my 2nd language. I just need to get this out of my system or I'll go crazy.

Thank you for all your supports. I really need this group/forum.

Sorry to see you here, at the best support group that nobody wants to join.

Others will surely give you better advice, as I'm relatively new here myself. Just wanted to say that you're still in the early days at only 3 weeks post D-day, so don't worry about unstructured stories/thoughts. And your English was perfectly fine here.

We're all happy to help in the ways that we can, so feel free to keep venting.

I am so sorry for your pain and suffering.

This site will provide you with support and suggestions based on our own experiences. Some posts may help you and others may not — but it’s just here for you to help in any way we can.

There is a Healing Library here at SI. Look up in the I Can Relate section for betrayed people in your similar situation.

Here are some suggestions for you:

Maybe consider finding yourself your own counselor who can help through this difficult situation. It might help to have someone to support you. I know my therapist saved my sanity during my H’s affair. Just a suggestion.

Try to eat if you can. Avoid alcohol or non- preceded drugs. Drink water and maybe some protein shakes if you cannot eat.

Don’t make any permanent decisions about reconciling or divorcing or separating right now. You are not in a state of mind to make decisions like that right now. If you feel you need to have some separation - you can ask him to leave. But then you have to explain it to the kids (in some way). So it might just be best to stay in one place for now.

Since he isn’t being mean or nasty or violent towards you, and he is doing some things that are steps in the right direction, it may be best to stay under one roof. But you should know you can change your mind at any time.

I’m sorry you had to read the messages where they talked about you. That has to be so hurtful and painful. I wish it didn’t happen but that may be the hardest part to get past.

Do your best. That’s all you can do right now.

I know I should be happy with his efforts, but I don't feel like I can trust him again the way I trusted him before.

Yes and no, but mostly no.

The positive first- he does appear to be doing the "right" things now. Not all spouses drop everything and turn back toward the marriage so fast. So he's at least appearing to do that, but it's hard to trust anyway because the negative is, of course, he cheated on you.

I'm still sad, devastated, betrayed, and angry at him.

Of course you are! We all were/are. This is completely normal. Do not beat yourself up for feeling this way. It doesn't matter how many flowers, apologies, or tears he sheds, you're not going to feel okay or safe. You just had your whole world, your whole reality ripped apart. You likely aren't even feeling sure what's real or what's not anymore. This is the trauma of betrayal, and we all go through it here. It's awful, it's persistent, and it doesn't just go away even with the "perfect" wayward spouse.

I want to stress to you that what you're feeling is perfectly normal this early into discovery. 3 weeks is still very, very fresh. It can take 2 to 5 years just to recover from betrayal trauma, and it's a bumpy ride. We call it being on an emotional roller coaster, and it sucks.

I said I've forgiven him, but everytime new info came out, I would spiralled again. I still have questions but afraid to ask.

Again, this is normal. Tho I would offer to you to not be so quick to offer forgiveness. He's just done something that may well be the worst experience of your life. It is for many of us. Many people underestimate the damage and devastation infidelity causes not only to a relationship, but to your psyche.

Offering forgiveness before you're truly ready can put a lot of pressure on you to "get over it," and it's just not that easy. You might want to have a straight talk with him explaining that while you want to forgive him, you're just not ready yet, and you don't know when you will be, if ever. That's more realistic and honest. And honesty and transparency are the most important things for your recovery right now. Especially on his part!

In the meantime make sure you take care of yourself. Try to get proper sleep, make sure you're eating and staying hydrated. Don't stuff or bury your feelings. If you're angry, be angry. Let him know you're angry. If he's truly remorseful he'll stand in the fire and take the brunt of your anger, your sadness, your fear, your devastation, or whatever. If he can't take the heat that will tell you something about his sincerity and willingness to do whatever it takes.

I'm so sorry you've found yourself here. None of us wanted to join this club, but there's a great group of folks here who understand what you're going through. I was married for almost 27 years when my wife had an emotional and physical affair. That was almost 18 months ago and I'm still reeling from the shock and pain. We're having more good days lately, but I'm still prone to spiraling and bad days, and my wife has been doing a lot of the right things, too.

Hang in there, keep posting, and ask any questions you want, or even just vent to us if you need it. Your posts will be read and understood. We get it. You're being heard and you're not alone. Others will be along to add some more advice and maybe ask you some questions.

[This message edited by Pogre at 12:35 PM, Friday, October 2nd]

I’m so sorry BrokenInThousandPieces. Those messages must have been so hard to read.

You have been given great advice so far. Here are a few additional thoughts from me:

I couldn't function normally from that day since. My hearts starts pounding loudly and hands shaking everytime the intrusive thoughts comes

I second the suggestion to get a counselor, especially one who specializes in betrayal trauma. I would also recommend going to your doctor for this. Those are medical symptoms that should be examined, but they sound a bit like panic attacks. He may just give you some anti-anxiety medication.

He's been showing deep remorse and has been pursuing me daily and consistently. He gave me the passwords for all his accounts. He's been buying me flowers every week as a reminder so that he won't go back

If this is too much tell him to back off. We call this "love-bombing" and it can be smothering and, not infrequently, false.

How old are your children? They may be old enough to suspect what’s going on.

Tell him you would like a written timeline of all of his infidelities, since you were first exclusive. It should include all relevant details. He can then read it to you. The point of this is to get all the details out there so that you can deal with them. Finding new details out one after another, called "Trickle Truth" is incredibly damaging, as each new revelation resets your healing to zero. If you have this in Indonesia, he can take a polygraph test after producing the timeline so that you can have some degree of confidence that he’s being honest about what he did.

I am so sorry that you are facing this. The hurt and pain understandably bleeds from every word youve postted.

You are absolutely entitled to your feelings of mistrust, deep hurt, sorrow, mourning and anger. Marital fidelity, once broken, is maddeningly difficult to restore. This site and many others say it takes years to majoratively restore and that is when both people are all-in and true remorse is embraced & exemplified by the betrayer. I/we validate your feelings 100%. "Devastated" is an apt term.

If reconciliation is what you eventually decide that you truly want, it will take much time and effort and the lions share of the work will need to be done by him.

A few things:

I couldn't believe what I was reading. They're talking about my perimenopause symptoms

This had to be hurtful in the extreme. Not all marital traitors demean their erstwhile spouse to their AP, but when they do and the faithful spouse finds out, it coumpounds the hurt by many factors. He has a LOT of work to do both on himself and to help you heal.

He immediately confessed and apologized. He totally cutoff contact with the AP without any closure. He deleted the email and the social media account in front of me. He also blocked her account from his real account.

I am always suspicious of newly exposed marital traitors but I wouldnt chalk this simply up to an effort to make good. It also serves to delete the evidence. There is probably much more there that you are not aware of.

He said that he's looking for the wrong validations and that he has porn and masturbation addiction. He also told me details about the sex chat with the AP. When I asked him if he loved her, he said yes. But he said he was over her, he doesn't have any feelings for her anymore. He said that it was for fun in the beginning. She texted him first and he responded. He said he was loving the experience of online dating. Later, he wasn't sure that it was love. It was lust.

He's been showing deep remorse and has been pursuing me daily and consistently. He gave me the passwords for all his accounts. He's been buying me flowers every week as a reminder so that he won't go back. He immediately booked an appointment with a counselor and has gone there twice. He's looking at SAA, too. He sits with me everytime I got triggers, and he cries with me. He gave me full access to his calendar and schedule. He would report to me his whereabouts and people he met without I'm asking.

On its surface, this sounds like a good start. My advice is to let him know that these efforts need to be to repair himself as a man and as a husband, not to earn you back. Again, this will be the work of years.

I said I've forgiven him, but everytime new info came out, I would spiralled again. I still have questions but afraid to ask.

I ask you to consider retracting the forgiveness statement. You are only 3 weeks in and clearly not to the acceptance stage, let alone forgiveness. Resist the urge to accelerate the process and try to jump ahead to "put this behind you". There is a lot of healing to do before forgiveness can/should be offered imo.

Strength and healing to you Ma'am. Keep posting here.

Thank you for reading my story. I feel seen and validated here.

Well, following some of your advice, I retracted my forgiveness. He said he totally understand and will keep on working towards R.

Btw, we went to a psychiatrist today, and my H got diagnosed with Bipolar. He's being treated for his SA now. He also reached out to SAA Indonesia. Hopefully he'll be able to go to that meeting next week.

But, what I don't like is the psychiatrist told me to forgive him and not bring up this affair again in order to help him heal. That makes me even angrier now.

I left the appointment feeling as though my H's recovery mattered more than my pain. I understand that he needs treatment, but I'm the person who was betrayed. When I'm told not to talk about the affair, I feel silenced. I need help processing what happened, not just help learning how to support him.

I went into treatment carrying the pain of being betrayed, and instead of feeling like someone was making room for my hurt, I came away feeling as though the focus had shifted to helping my H.

I told my H that I want a separate therapist, who can really help me process the trauma.

Too bad that we don't have CSAT or Trauma Therapist here in my country

[This message edited by BrokenInThousandPieces at 2:39 PM, Friday, October 2nd]

Letmebefrank,

I have 4 children, daughter 22yo in uni in another city, son 20yo with special need, son 11yo, and daughter 8yo.

But, what I don't like is the psychiatrist told me to forgive him and not bring up this affair again in order to help him heal. That makes me even angrier now.

Good on you for recognizing that this is terrible input. The psychiatrist is NOT an expert in the field of betrayal trauma and needs to stick to treating your WH for any true psychiatric conditions. Its a pretty fast diagnosis btw. I have family members and friends who suffer with BPD and it took many months of in and outpatient treatment to come to a diagnosis.

On another note, BPD can be a contributing factor as to erratic behavior but it is NOT causitive. Those same close family members and friends that have legit diagnosis of BPD that have never betrayed their spouses. No cause and effect.

Tell the psychiatrist to stick to treating legit psychiatric issues for your WH.

On that note, find a good therapist to help you recover from the trauma of betrayal. You need and deserve it. Pamper yourself as much as you can for as long as you need to btw.

Keep posting here.

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 3:49 PM, Friday, October 2nd]

But, what I don't like is the psychiatrist told me to forgive him and not bring up this affair again in order to help him heal. That makes me even angrier now.

I'm almost on fire reading this! Bad psychiatrist for your healing!

I left the appointment feeling as though my H's recovery mattered more than my pain. I understand that he needs treatment, but I'm the person who was betrayed. When I'm told not to talk about the affair, I feel silenced. I need help processing what happened, not just help learning how to support him.

I agree that your husband sounds like he needs healing, too, but it doesn't have to be at your expense. You should absolutely not be silenced. That is not going to help your relationship at all. Your husband being diagnosed with bipolar is serious and needs attention, but it seems pretty premature based on one, or a couple of visits! Besides that, your trauma should not be swept under the rug. That is the worst advice someone could give for helping you heal!

I told my H that I want a separate therapist, who can really help me process the trauma.

Your instinct is spot on. Yes,you should really look into this. A trauma informed therapist is most often recommended for a betrayed spouse. I'd be very tempted to find another psychiatrist and get a second opinion on your husband, too. Preferably one who doesn't recommend rug sweeping!

[This message edited by Pogre at 4:04 PM, Friday, October 2nd]

I had no indication that English was your second language, everything you said was grammatically correct

Your husband doesn't love her, he loves the fantasy that was created. When you love someone you love the good, the bad, the ugly. All he had with her was good. He never woke up next to her when her hair was a mess, he never took care of her when she was sick, he never struggled taking care of children with her. What he said was love is Just fantasy.

Your emotions are in turmoil and that is understandable. Your entire reality has been shaken. What you believed was safe and secure disappeared in seconds and it takes a very long time to feel like your feet are back on Solid ground and you can make good decisions with a clear mind

If you can I strongly recommend you find and IC that deals with PTSD and Trauma. It takes between two and three years on average just to process learning about the infidelity and years beyond that slowly trying to rebuild Trust. Don't be in a rush to trust again. Words are easy, actions take effort

This forum is an amazing place for support and advice. Some of the advice may not make sense at this moment in time but will down the road. Take care of yourself, do what you need to make yourself feel better, regardless of how it affects him. He created the situation, now he gets to deal with the consequences

Hi all,

For you who have been to psychologist for treating trauma, may I ask how is the process? Are you just talking or there's some questionaire/workbook to do?

My H is looking for a psychologist who specialized in treating infidelity trauma for me. Is it need to be specialized in betrayal trauma or if specialized in PTSD is ok? Because he can't find the one specialized in betrayal trauma in my country

Do you think it's too early for a MC? My H also wants us to try MC.

And because of our financial situation, we can't afford to have online counseling from overseas.

Thank you so much for your advices. I really feel heard and cared for here. I don't have anybody here because we just moved town. I'm grateful to find this group. I don't feel too lonely anymore because of your supports.

That therapist is DEAD WRONG!!! You absolutely MUST bring up the affair and the wounds for both of you to heal.

Please have him stop seeing that therapist. He needs a Betrayal Trauma Specialist. I highly recommend Dr. Jake Porter's group. Search for him on YouTube and get contact information. He can meet virtually.

Again...you NEED to talk about it and talk about it frequently.

So sorry you are here. Seek God like never before.🙏

My H is looking for a psychologist who specialized in treating infidelity trauma for me. Is it need to be specialized in betrayal trauma or if specialized in PTSD is ok? Because he can't find the one specialized in betrayal trauma in my country 

If you cannot find someone who assists with betrayal trauma specifically, a therapist that deals with ptsd is the next best option in my opinion.

Do you think it's too early for a MC? My H also wants us to try MC.

Its too early in my opinion. Your WH needs to work intensely on himself and you need time to come to grips with tbe massive emotional/mental impact of his betrayal. As you both work on yourselves, when the time is right, you can both share what you are learning and make that sharing of personal growth and healing the focus for quite a while. When the time is right (youll know) find a good marriage therapist that can help rebuild (if thats what you want), but again take care that the therapist not try to put an ounce of responsibility on you for his affair. If that happens, walk out immediately and let your WH know exactly what will happen in that eventuality.

Hold your head high and know your worth. After all, if you dont, who will?

[This message edited by DobleTraicion at 2:14 PM, Saturday, October 3rd]

WOW! Your ws has had a secret sex life for 25 years. Blows me away how good people are at compartmentalizing whole areas of their lives. No wonder you are still traumatized. He needs tons of therapy for all these lives and lies he has had. You need help getting through the day.

See a dr for something to control anxiety. It does a number on your health if left untreated.

Cooley2here,

My H had the emotional affair for 8 months when I found out. This is his first affair, and I hope it's the last.

We've been together 25y and married 23y. He was faithful for 22y or so. The affair started in Dec 2025 and ended on 6th Sept 2026.

He said the AP flirted with him first and he responded. It's just for fun at first, but he liked the attentions and validations from AP that he eventually fell in love.

He's addicted to porn, that's why he setup another social media account for watching porn/sexy women. That's also how AP dm him first.

I included the porn. If he has been faithful most of your marriage I’m glad.

I still think you need to see a dr. Stress that sticks around goes after your immune system. It’s like your brain is revved up all the time and it exhausts you. Losing sleep and not eating go along with this trauma so they add to what amounts to a tornado in your mind.