SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Hello all I am new here . I guess I just need to vent a little. I have been with my partner for 5 years. We live together. I would say our emotional connection has always been very very strong. We are not legally married and a lot of people see that as a reason for it being easier to leave , but , I am just so stuck in a cycle of feeling like I can’t do this anymore but at the same time wanting to reconcile our relationship. The transgressions were very very bad though. Let me start from the beginning .
There was cheating in the past but like more than 2 years ago. Giving a girl a ride and kissing her. I found out immediately . Anyone else have that super intuition that you just know right away? Anyway , I cried and was depressed and went through the whole trauma and I feel like I kind of just went through it myself . It was "brushed under the rug" his response was more like I’m sorry, it happened . But let’s move on toward the future etc… clearly that doesn’t really work. I became desensitized to it but I also became somewhat desensitized to our relationship. Things got really good when his daughter was staying with us , we felt like a real family. She moved to another state with the mom about a year ago. Since then , I would say it’s been BAD but I have felt more and more distance. On my end . I usually don’t want to have sex with him etc. I don’t find myself initiating saying I love him. It’s like I still love him just as much as before but I have a hard time feeling safe/ secure in the relationship because no real "work" was put in to fixing it .
Fast forward to now. Friday night he comes to bed after I am asleep and I feel it is so late . I said what time is it he said like 3 , he was just watching YouTube videos etc. remember that intuition I mentioned above ? I just knew. Anyway after days of arguing about me knowing he was out with a woman (he denied it and said he was with his friend from work but somehow could not show me said messages with the friend) , I finally went through his phone. With his permission , so very dumb about clearing evidence clearly. Because what I found is way worse than I imagined . First, I found evidence of an online emotional affair that’s been going on for months. The woman lives in another country , whatever. Obviously does not feel good but , honestly , I was recently talking to a guy online for a few months too. It was My first bout of infidelity and I think I only felt ok to do it just based on him having done what he wanted before . Anyways that ended and I really
Felt like refocusing on our relationship . I know deep down we really love each other there was a reason we have spent 5 years together. Then I discover this , I cry we cry whatever … but it gets worse. I still feel uneasy about the going out late at night, knowing this woman isnt the one who’s living in another country it must be another woman too. My partner is a Spanish speaker , something told me to check Google Translate history (pro tip for bilingual people looking for answers). I found that he had been using an ESCORT site and was asking a prostitute to have a "car date " with a blowjob etc . If there could have been any doubt that he went through with it , the last message in the translator said "baby , did you take the condom out of the car ?"
I feel so disgusted . And sad , as it’s been 5 days i am just starting to eat and sleep again and not crying as much. Half of me feels that this is unforgivable and I can’t move on because I believe that I deserve someone to respect me. And my health . The other half of me thinks about reconciling because I very much still love him and have considered him my family. The issue with that is he is "sorry " and hates that I feel so bad and "wants to do better "
Etc , but somehow , he still didn’t do it ! He would never do that to me . The denial drives me insane . The cheating sucks but the lack of honesty after finding out about it is what makes me feel
Like there can’t be any hope. Anyways , sorry for the long post. This is definitely very traumatic for me . And while I recognize I have been deeply disrespected, part of me wants to try and work it out. But I can’t, if he doesn’t be forthcoming and put in the work.

The only thing I can say is…he is a liar, all the time. You consider him your partner. It looks like he considers you the appliance that keeps the place clean. I know that sounds cruel but go back and read what you wrote.

He’s a serial cheater.

No remorse, no shame for lying and cheating and no willingness to admit he’s cheated.

You have nothing to work with here unfortunately.

I would suggest you start planning your exit strategy.

Here’s an example of the type of stuff he’s been saying

I want to respect you, so I’m going to be completely honest with you. I don’t want to keep hiding things, lying to you, or just telling you what you want to hear. I didn’t do anything wrong—God is my witness. I would never do something like that to you in a million years; it happened to me, and I know how painful it is. You’ve never done anything wrong to me that would make me do something like that—it’s not even something that crosses my mind, honestly. If there’s still something we can fix, I want to do it based on sincerity, not excuses.

You’re seeing it correctly. You can’t work it out if he isn’t honest and doesn’t put in the work. You’ve seen his phone. You’ve seen the escort service. So that’s just gaslighting.

You should get tested for STDs.

I’m sorry you’re suffering.

[This message edited by Letmebefrank at 2:24 PM, Thursday, August 20th]

Is there anything I can do to encourage him to be forthcoming about it? And how long can I wait ? I feel hopeless when I think about separating.

No, there isn't a thing you can do to change him. He has to want to. Right now I don't think you have anything to work with. He's lying right to your face. That's as disrespectful as it gets. Is that really who you want to be with? I think it's time for you to detach.

Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him

One technique that people sometimes use is to have him write down a timeline of all the times he crossed boundaries with other women. Then have him take a polygraph to demonstrate that he’s being honest.

Leeleelu, you also cheated. You’re not being honest either. I think if you do come clean, he will seize upon that and you will make no progress. But on the other hand, how can you expect him to be forthcoming when you are hiding something too?

Hi, please make an appt with your MD asap and get tested for STDS.

Sorry, I agree with the other members, he is a liar, a manipulator, and a serial cheater.

WHY would a dedicated partner be going out late at night?

So sorry the person you thought had your back stabbed it repeatedly.

Trust your instincts, IMO they are right.

@ let me be frank , that’s exactly why I haven’t told him about my emotional affair because I feel like it would excuse everything he’s done . I would tell him if he would come clean about everything first.

Thank you all for your comments I just feel so sad about it and also that all people who cheat are liars of course … I want there to be hope for reconciliation, I am still leaving that door open if he is able to be honest with me . I set a boundary today that said exactly that. The door is open for you to come clean , but I’m not going to continue the discussions about how you didn’t do it . If you can’t admit what you have done and take responsibility, I will have to continue on my own.

I don’t know how he will respond . I just have a huge pit in my stomach and my chest hurts and I guess I’m just trying to survive right now.